The Coastal Grandmother Grieves

I would like to dedicate this post to my wonderful daughter-in-law, Nancy Nolker. As many of you already know, Nancy lost her brave and formidable fight against triple negative breast

cancer Sunday, November 3rd. It seems almost inconceivable that she is gone. It was too soon, she was too young, too determined, too vibrant, too full of life.

Nancy loved life and she poured all she had into living her best life. She was an exemplary police officer as was evidenced by the outpouring of love and support from her Department all during her illness and at her retirement ceremony in September. Once when she was in the hospital in Williamsburg, she was talking with one of her fellow officers and just mentioned that she would love a milkshake. Within the hour, that officer showed up at the hospital with her milkshake.

Nancy had a way of making everything fun and making sure everyone felt included. I was privileged to get to spend a lot of time with her and Buck. She absolutely loved the beach

house, and we spent a lot of weekends and holidays there while she was still working. After her cancer diagnosis, they commuted between Duke and the beach. When Nancy wasn’t having treatment, the beach house was where she wanted to be. As I have said before in some of my posts, Nancy was always positive and upbeat. She was always planning the next trip for her and Buck or a family event to get everyone together.

Smith Mountain Lake June 2024

Once when Buck went down to North Carolina to pick up a covered work trailer he had bought, his truck broke down on the way back. It was in the middle of nowhere and he was fit to be tied! He called Nancy, and she dropped everything and went to meet him there. While they waited for his truck to be repaired, they sat in the back of the trailer, had snacks she had brought and watched football on Buck’s iPad. That was Nancy, she could make anything fun.

Nancy loved puzzles. There was always one set up on the dining room table at the beach house. Whatever holiday was coming up, there was a puzzle with that theme. It was just festive, like everything she did. We had lots of laughs when Nancy’s stepmom, Marty, would come. She would always gravitate over to the puzzle and, next thing we knew, three quarters of the puzzle was done! You couldn’t help getting drawn in.

Easter puzzle

What I Learned From Nancy

I learned even the smallest things can make people around you happy and lift their spirits. Any time there were people around, whether friends or family members, Nancy would pull out a game and get us all involved. At first, some of us would roll our eyes and think, I do not want to play this silly game, but next thing you knew, everyone would be laughing and having a good time.

My daughter, Melissa, and Nancy. Just two girls having fun at the beach

I learned unselfish giving. Nancy was always thinking of others before herself. That was evidenced by how thoughtful and lovingly she cared for her mother, who has Parkinson’s. Nancy was determined to get her mother to the beach. She called the Nags Head Fire Department and found out they loaned wheel chairs that were designed to go on the beach. Nancy reserved one, and got her mom down to the beach. She not only got her there, but she got behind her, lifted her under her arms and walked her down to the water so she could feel the sand and the water washing over her toes.

Nancy’s mom, Carol, at the beach

I learned what it means to dote on someone just because you love them so much. The last week of Nancy’s life, when she was lying in the ICU at Duke, when Buck would walk into the room, she would ask, “how are you, are you ok?”. If Buck looked sad or down at all, she would say, “what can I do?”. I am not good at doting, but I can tell you, if I had it to do over, I would dote on my husband more. You see, Nancy was not, in any way, weak or submissive. She was one of the strongest women I have ever known. She could access a situation, no matter how dire, and know exactly what to do. I’m sure that’s what made her such a good hostage negotiator. One of her fellow officers spoke at her memorial service. He said, “when we went into a hostile situation, if Nancy was in front of me, or behind me, I didn’t worry”. It’s just that when she wasn’t protecting people as a police officer, and, she was with the ones she loved, she loved with her whole heart, always.

Nancy and Buck

To say she will be missed doesn’t even come close to filling the void she leaves. Nancy called me the Wednesday night before she passed on Sunday. She wanted to tell me how much she loved me and how much she appreciated all I had done for her. I will always treasure that gift. I told her that night how much I loved her, and that I would never forget her. I intend to keep that promise, and it will be easy. Nancy was not someone you forget. I’m sure I will never walk into the beach house again that I don’t think of her and how much she loved it. I will see her in every sunrise and every sunset over the ocean. I will appreciate them more because of her.

I hope something in this loving rememberance of Nancy will touch your life. I hope you will realize how short life can be. I hope you will not only cherish every moment with your loved ones, but make sure they know how much you love them. I hope you will dote on them.

Easter sunrise service at the beach 2024